Two weeks ago, I was anxious. I realized that I didn’t know how to act around people. When I watched others, each one seemed to have a personality: one was clever; another was friendly; another, mysterious. My most comfortable friends were just themselves. I decided to do the same. I saw one barrier: I didn’t know myself. Was I exciting? Funny? Dark? I started trying different behaviors and analyzing which ones “felt natural” or made people like me. None of my forced personalities fit. I didn’t make people like me more. My close friends were mostly confused or annoyed by my weird mood swings.
When I couldn’t find myself, I started praying: “God, please help me discover who I am.” I didn’t stop to hear the Lord’s answer, I tried more personalities. I confused myself more; I confused my friends more; I prayed more. I was anxious when I was around people, depressed when I was alone, and tired of trying.
This Saturday, I stopped trying and started listening. I sat in silence for a while, listening for the Lord. Here is what He said to me: “Stop trying to find yourself. You are mine, so find Me, and follow My commands.” I suddenly realized my foolishness. I had been self-centered instead of God-centered. Now my social life is transformed. I don’t need to ask “what would Anne Mary do?”, but rather, “what would God have me do?”
I know who I am. And now, I can stop caring.